Friday, October 31, 2008


Well folks, you'll go to the polls tomorrow in our Verne tradition of local elections taking place on the weekend before national ones. So this will be my last post before you decide my fate.

As I sit and dictate this to Bonnie, I'm humbled by the job you've allowed me to do these past six years. We've weathered some tough times, right up to this past Tuesday when my ex-wife and her cronies harrassed Dr. Bazelle into admitting I pretended to faint during the Big Bailout Blowout Bash. But what they didn't mention was: It worked! It was simply a strategy to raise the money we needed during our financial crisis. As always, I was willing to sacrifice my own reputation for the people of Verne.

As you go to the polls, I humbly request that you ask yourself: Am I better off now than I was six years ago? I don't mean financially, or emotionally, or physically. I mean, can you look at yourself in the mirror and say, hey, take a look at my Mayor. He makes me feel like I'm doing pretty well. He loves this town and loves being Mayor. And will do anything to keep the job. That makes me feel pretty good (BONNIE'S NOTE: THE MAYOR IS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF NOW -- ALTHOUGH HE IS SAYING WORD-FOR-WORD WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP).

I have a private call scheduled with Winston Blank later this afternoon. I will wish him good luck. The polls are in his favor. But I have you, the good people of Verne on my side, and as you go to the polls tomorrow, I place myself (humbly) in your hands (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF ANYONE HAS ANY EXTRA BOXES YOU'RE NOT USING, WE COULD USE THEM AT TOWN HALL).

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Despite the stress of the campaign, my personal physician, Dr. Elias Bazelle (pictured above), has given me a clean bill of health. Yup, I had my yearly checkup this week, and the good doctor pronounced me "Ready to Serve"! Sure, I have the usual few pounds he wants me to take off, and he would like me to get more exercise. He also would like me to eat more healthy, more fruits and vegetables. And he's got me on a statin for my cholesterol. It's also pretty clear I'll need knee surgery in the not-too-distant future, and I was really sucking wind during that treadmill stress test!

But it's good to have the doctor confirm what I already knew: That I'm in tip-top physical condition, and the good people of Verne can rest easy knowing their Mayor is taking care of himself (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF YOU SEE THE MAYOR AT MILLIE'S ORDERING THE BROASTED CHICKEN, TRY TO STEER HIM TOWARD THE FRUIT SALAD).

Gaod Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Well, we had the debate all planned out nice and simple. Meet in Danforth Quinn's living room, get Chessup Public Access to cover it, talk about a few issues. Then, mid-week, it got all complicated. Winston-Blank-is-too-busy-this. Winston-Blank-needs-to-leave-by-a-certain-time-that. We tried to work it out. Then, on Thursday night, we find out he's not coming at all, but will participate by speaker phone. So Bonnie sets it all up (BONNIE'S NOTE: WE HAD TO CHANGE MR. QUINN'S PHONE JACK, HE WAS STILL USING ROTARY).

But what happens? Chessup Public Access never shows up. Blank never calls us. And apparently they got the word out to the citizens, because none of you showed up either! So once again, big media gets together with big business to deprive you, the voter, of a chance to talk about the issues. Plus, Bonnie had made a mess of Apple Pan Dowdy, which we were going to share with attendees. Your loss!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


You know, it’s not so bad that my ex-wife runs her own attack website. Or that she constantly releases old video clips meant to embarrass me -- heck, the one she released this past weekend shows a guy filled with energy and exuberance, the kind of guy you’d love to have a beer with (BONNIE’S NOTE: OR, YOU CAN ASSUME FROM THAT VIDEO, FOUR OR FIVE BEERS PLUS HALF-A-BOTTLE OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPES. YOU CAN SEE OUR VIDEO UPDATE ON WWW.VOTEGARNER.COM, BUT MARCINE HAS PLACED THE UNEDITED CLIP ON HER SITE, WWW.GARNERSTINKS.COM. THE NERVE!).

No, it’s that she’s doing it all from behind the gates of Vernehenge, the beautiful estate I built with money from my severance package when I was asked to leave my show, “Travelin’ Man!”. Now I’m not saying I was the perfect husband, but don’t I deserve to live somewhere a little better than a one-room bachelor apartment above the now-defunct Sweets-N-Treats store? I’m not a bitter man, but if Marcine was as smart as I think she is, she would come around and see that, all personal feelings aside, I’m much better for this town than her choice, Winston Blank.

And by the way, if anyone has a hot-plate they could donate, I’d appreciate it -- mine shorted out last week.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.