Sunday, July 27, 2008


The latest Weekly Video Update is posted on Another shining example of why I’m going to win your vote for another term. And if you don’t agree, you can go -- (BONNIE’S NOTE: I promise I’m not censoring here, the Mayor was saying this as he walked out the door).

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Anybody else feel an emptiness in the air this week? This SHOULD be the week we’re all setting up the beer tent, jerry-rigging wires for the sound system, and mixing up vats of barbecue sauce (BONNIE’S NOTE: Yum!). In other words, getting ready for the Verne Beef Festival! But instead, we’re all walking around with our tails between our legs, wondering what went wrong.

A lot of people wanted to point fingers when we couldn’t get the proper permits from the Highway Patrol this year. Whether it was the traffic jam caused by Mr. Quinn’s security checkpoint at the entrance to town, or the one load of bad beef from that discount outfit in Chessup, or the lack of potable water at Barbecue Central, there’s enough blame to go around (BONNIE: I vote for Mr. Quinn -- and NOT just because he objects to my adding these notes!).

But let’s get one thing straight. Not one legitimate finger has been pointed in the direction of yours truly. I have worked my heiney off to keep the festival going, and I’m reasonably certain that if you re-elect me, I can bring it back. I say reasonably certain, because I’m no psychic and I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t see into the future, God knows. But I’ll try.

So if you want beef, Vote Garner! Garner = Beef!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


Hi Folks -

Well, there's been a lot of talk this week about what it means to be an American. Here's my two cents worth: It means we don't hold a grudge. We let someone make a mistake without getting all hot and bothered at him, especially if that someone has served this community tirelessly for the last six years.

As you'll see from this week's campaign video update, which my nephew Danny won't let me see until he puts it on later tonight, it all started with a couple of flag pins. And it escalated into a whole lot of hoo-hah, if you ask me (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor didn't use the word "hoo-hah" but it's been a long week and he's tired).

So let's all try to be good Americans in the weeks to come. Even if you're an outsider from Chessup and you're running against me, we owe each other that much.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Well folks, we've got the video updates fully functional on the website, through the hard work of a lot of folks on the staff, and my nephew Danny. I couldn't have done it without them. And speaking of the website, I've looked at some of the pages, the ones Bonnie has shown to me anyway, and I think it's something the whole town can be proud of. A lot more proud than a few other websites I'd rather not mention (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor is talking about his ex-wife's site, She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Such bitterness. She got the house, but the Mayor retained all the principles).

What I like about the video updates is, they'll give us a chance to get our side of the story out there. And I want to make it clear, I've given Danny full creative control, even though he has less experience than any of my old assistants on "Travelin' Man", and believe me, those numbskulls could barely make a decent cup of coffee. So I've put him together with Tony Beaver, who runs Memories by Beaver, the best wedding and anniversary video company in town. I think the two of them will make a heckuva team (BONNIE'S NOTE: I don't trust either of those two. Danny hasn't been able to hold a job since high school, and Tony... well, Tony's not in danger of winning any loyalty awards, let's just leave it at that).

One last thing -- we officially welcome Amelia Martelle to the team. She showed up unannounced last week, told us she's from a non-profit out-of-town outfit, here to help us manage the Winston Blank new mall problem (BONNIE'S NOTE: What a lovely young woman! So intelligent, and a smart dresser too!) . Good to have her aboard.

The humidity came back this week. Anyone in need of a break, stop by Town Hall, where the A.C. is cranking 24/7. God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Hey, that was one heckuva barbeque we had here over the weekend in the park! And to top it all off, we unveiled our new campaign slogan, VOTE GARNER -- “FOR VERNE... FOR YOU”. There was a lot of discussion within the inner campaign circle about where to place the quote marks, and gosh knows I’m no English major but I do like the three little dots. And of course anyone who knows me knows how I love the American flag, so we worked that in there as well. Kudos to Joe Browning, my young assistant, for coming up with the slogan -- that’s why he gets paid the big bucks (BONNIE’S NOTE: The Mayor is only kidding, Joe is paid the exact salary that the Council approved in the last budget, not one penny more...).

Good suggestions were made by other staffers:

Town Clerk Danforth Quinn, who is also my chief campaign strategist:
I almost chose that one, as it would have meant I could pose for pictures wearing a train conductor’s hat...

My secretary, Bonnie Yoder:
This was nice, but I think it would have been confusing to people, because the flag is red, WHITE, and blue, not “HOT”. (BONNIE’S NOTE: I thought it was appropos of the Mayor’s charisma, but he didn’t let me fully explain it).

And one anonymous suggestion I kind of liked:
(BONNIE’S NOTE: That was my second choice).

So now we’ve got a great slogan, and nothing’s going to stop us, certainly not an outsider from Chessup. Visit the website for lots of exciting merchandise!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Thursday always makes me think of my old show “TRAVELIN’ MAN”. We aired on Thursday nights at 7pm locally for so long that I sometimes find myself trying to turn on a phantom TV set on Thursdays, the way you’d try to scratch a phantom limb if you had one and felt an itch (BONNIE’S NOTE: I asked the Mayor for further clarification on this, but he just ignored me and kept talking). So I know a thing or two about communication. And when my opponent says he wants to bring about CHANGE to the office of the Mayor, I’ve got to speak up.

Change? How is a guy who moved to Chessup after high school and helped build that place into a thriving community going to come back now, and just because his mom owns a house on Spring St., thinks he’s going to run against me for Mayor on a platform of change? Everybody knows I’m the guy who will change things here in Verne. I’ve been trying to change stuff around here for six years, so it’s time to give me a chance to try for another two years. That’s the kind of CHANGE we can all depend on!

By the way, we’re going to have a little fundraiser/barbeque in the park on Sunday, weather permitting. Please let Bonnie know if you can volunteer in some way.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Well, here it is. Tuesday. Sure is pretty here in Verne, like the picture above shows. The picture above isn't of the Verne countryside, but ours is pretty like that. Got in to the office here bright and early, brought in donuts kindly donated by Lyle over at Happy Donuts. Dictating my blog right now to Bonnie, my secretary who's been with me five years or so (BONNIE'S NOTE: Six, actually. The Mayor sometimes has trouble with dates, even when remembering those who have been most loyal to him. I quit my job providing hospice during the Mayor's first campaign, beginning as a volunteer, then getting hired as his secretary when he took office. So that makes six years almost exactly. But why should he remember that? He's so busy trying to do things for Verne, and... Oops, silly me, I've been writing this when I should have been listening to the Mayor. I'll just pick it up with what he's saying now...)

...and if you think I'm going to roll over and play dead for my ex-wife, or the Town Council, or anyone else, you've got another think coming. I intend to fight hard during this campaign, you can count on that. I'm not going to let an outsider from Chessup come in here and take my job, even if he is a successful businessman and has a fake British accent beacuse he spent a couple years in England. No sir, you'll hear a lot from me in the coming weeks, you can take that to the bank! (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor doesn't mean the Verne Bank, which closed down last year during the debacle we'd all like to forget. He's probably referring to the Farmer's Bank of Chessup, where most of us have to go to do our transactions now, though the Mayor is working hard to get an ATM set up at the Stop-N-Shop by the interstate).

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.