Monday, November 10, 2008


After all the excitement last week, I know a lot of you citizens of Verne are wondering what's happening with the Mayor's Office. If you saw our last Weekly Update, you know that Danforth Quinn is better at evaluating tax forms than he is at evaluating someone's medical condition!

Right after the election, I took a week off to go far away and visit my uncle and his family, help him with a little work on his house, and clear my head. When I got back, I found things pretty much as I left them: I'm the acting Mayor, Bonnie is still running day-to-day operations here at Town Hall, and Mr. Quinn is working on the 2009 budget.

This was not my plan when I asked some of you to write in my name. We have averted Mr. Blank's scheme for a new mall/megastore, but I have other plans which don't necessarily include serving as your Mayor. Right now, the most I can promise is that I'll be here until a suitable replacement can be found, or the Mayor comes out of his coma, whichever comes first.

Until then, please keep checking this blog, and the Mayor's website for more details. As he used to say...

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Friday, October 31, 2008


Well folks, you'll go to the polls tomorrow in our Verne tradition of local elections taking place on the weekend before national ones. So this will be my last post before you decide my fate.

As I sit and dictate this to Bonnie, I'm humbled by the job you've allowed me to do these past six years. We've weathered some tough times, right up to this past Tuesday when my ex-wife and her cronies harrassed Dr. Bazelle into admitting I pretended to faint during the Big Bailout Blowout Bash. But what they didn't mention was: It worked! It was simply a strategy to raise the money we needed during our financial crisis. As always, I was willing to sacrifice my own reputation for the people of Verne.

As you go to the polls, I humbly request that you ask yourself: Am I better off now than I was six years ago? I don't mean financially, or emotionally, or physically. I mean, can you look at yourself in the mirror and say, hey, take a look at my Mayor. He makes me feel like I'm doing pretty well. He loves this town and loves being Mayor. And will do anything to keep the job. That makes me feel pretty good (BONNIE'S NOTE: THE MAYOR IS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF NOW -- ALTHOUGH HE IS SAYING WORD-FOR-WORD WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP).

I have a private call scheduled with Winston Blank later this afternoon. I will wish him good luck. The polls are in his favor. But I have you, the good people of Verne on my side, and as you go to the polls tomorrow, I place myself (humbly) in your hands (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF ANYONE HAS ANY EXTRA BOXES YOU'RE NOT USING, WE COULD USE THEM AT TOWN HALL).

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Despite the stress of the campaign, my personal physician, Dr. Elias Bazelle (pictured above), has given me a clean bill of health. Yup, I had my yearly checkup this week, and the good doctor pronounced me "Ready to Serve"! Sure, I have the usual few pounds he wants me to take off, and he would like me to get more exercise. He also would like me to eat more healthy, more fruits and vegetables. And he's got me on a statin for my cholesterol. It's also pretty clear I'll need knee surgery in the not-too-distant future, and I was really sucking wind during that treadmill stress test!

But it's good to have the doctor confirm what I already knew: That I'm in tip-top physical condition, and the good people of Verne can rest easy knowing their Mayor is taking care of himself (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF YOU SEE THE MAYOR AT MILLIE'S ORDERING THE BROASTED CHICKEN, TRY TO STEER HIM TOWARD THE FRUIT SALAD).

Gaod Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Well, we had the debate all planned out nice and simple. Meet in Danforth Quinn's living room, get Chessup Public Access to cover it, talk about a few issues. Then, mid-week, it got all complicated. Winston-Blank-is-too-busy-this. Winston-Blank-needs-to-leave-by-a-certain-time-that. We tried to work it out. Then, on Thursday night, we find out he's not coming at all, but will participate by speaker phone. So Bonnie sets it all up (BONNIE'S NOTE: WE HAD TO CHANGE MR. QUINN'S PHONE JACK, HE WAS STILL USING ROTARY).

But what happens? Chessup Public Access never shows up. Blank never calls us. And apparently they got the word out to the citizens, because none of you showed up either! So once again, big media gets together with big business to deprive you, the voter, of a chance to talk about the issues. Plus, Bonnie had made a mess of Apple Pan Dowdy, which we were going to share with attendees. Your loss!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


You know, it’s not so bad that my ex-wife runs her own attack website. Or that she constantly releases old video clips meant to embarrass me -- heck, the one she released this past weekend shows a guy filled with energy and exuberance, the kind of guy you’d love to have a beer with (BONNIE’S NOTE: OR, YOU CAN ASSUME FROM THAT VIDEO, FOUR OR FIVE BEERS PLUS HALF-A-BOTTLE OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPES. YOU CAN SEE OUR VIDEO UPDATE ON WWW.VOTEGARNER.COM, BUT MARCINE HAS PLACED THE UNEDITED CLIP ON HER SITE, WWW.GARNERSTINKS.COM. THE NERVE!).

No, it’s that she’s doing it all from behind the gates of Vernehenge, the beautiful estate I built with money from my severance package when I was asked to leave my show, “Travelin’ Man!”. Now I’m not saying I was the perfect husband, but don’t I deserve to live somewhere a little better than a one-room bachelor apartment above the now-defunct Sweets-N-Treats store? I’m not a bitter man, but if Marcine was as smart as I think she is, she would come around and see that, all personal feelings aside, I’m much better for this town than her choice, Winston Blank.

And by the way, if anyone has a hot-plate they could donate, I’d appreciate it -- mine shorted out last week.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Monday, September 29, 2008




Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Why won’t Winston Blank debate me? I’ve offered to meet him any time, any place, and he doesn’t respond. Is he AFRAID of me, or just afraid of the truth I’ve been spreading out on the campaign trail? Like the fella says, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t wear the uniform in the movie (BONNIE’S NOTE: YES, THAT WAS THE MAYOR’S EXACT QUOTE, I CHECKED MY NOTES THREE TIMES).

God bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


With Bonnie gone this week (thank you nephew Danny for posting this), I don’t have many women on my side. And I sure could have used one. Have a look at this week’s video update on to see what I mean.

And yes, the drifter is going to be just fine.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Hey, have you ever gone away, looked around, and wondered how you ended up where you are? (BONNIE’S NOTE: Mr. Quinn doesn’t like it when I write these notes, so I’m not going to write any this week. So there!)

Let’s just say I had a few of those moments while I was taking my town-mandated four-week vacation. See, the town can’t afford to carry the Mayor’s salary for a full twelve months, so during August they basically tell Hizzoner Yours Truly to hit the road. And hit the road I did.

Folks, I saw stuff out there that would make you walk bow-legged. But I also talked to a lot of just plain folks. And you know what they told me? They’re tired of the same-old, same-old. And when they would hear I’m in politics, they’d say, “Hey, why don’t you do something about the same old, same old?” So that’s what I intend to do.

Unfortunately, my trusty secretary Bonnie didn’t realize she should take her vacation when I take mine, so she’ll be off next week (BONNIE’S NOTE: Who knew?). I’ll get going on taking care of the same-old, same-old when she gets back.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Summer's Dog Days

Wow, they say time flies? You better believe it! After all the ruckus last week, I’m taking some much needed R & R (BONNIE’S NOTE: He means Rest & Relaxation, though the Mayor seems to be spending quite a bit of time down the road at Haverkamp’s, if you ask me!). The Town Hall is on summer hours, and I’m getting ready to resume campaigning full time in September.

Mainly, I happen to know my opponent is out of the country, and my ex-wife is gone to her parents summer place on Lake Wappahahoe. So things should be quiet for awhile at least. Seems downright peaceful, doesn’t it?

But don’t rest too easily, citizens of Verne. Things are going to get hotter before they get cooler, so stay tuned to the website!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, August 3, 2008


Sorry I didn’t blog much this week. It’s been quite a whirlwind.

Folks, let’s face it. I belong in Verne. So I gave up a golden opportunity to remain your Mayor (BONNIE’S NOTE: See Weekly Video Update #4 on the website. Yay!). Let’s make a big push now to keep this train on the tracks. We’ll be talking a lot about fundraising in the days and weeks to come, and believe me, every little bit helps.

I’ll be traveling a bit through the rest of August, but we’ll keep you updated on the campaign through the website and the blog -- we're expecting BIG things in September!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, July 27, 2008


The latest Weekly Video Update is posted on Another shining example of why I’m going to win your vote for another term. And if you don’t agree, you can go -- (BONNIE’S NOTE: I promise I’m not censoring here, the Mayor was saying this as he walked out the door).

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Anybody else feel an emptiness in the air this week? This SHOULD be the week we’re all setting up the beer tent, jerry-rigging wires for the sound system, and mixing up vats of barbecue sauce (BONNIE’S NOTE: Yum!). In other words, getting ready for the Verne Beef Festival! But instead, we’re all walking around with our tails between our legs, wondering what went wrong.

A lot of people wanted to point fingers when we couldn’t get the proper permits from the Highway Patrol this year. Whether it was the traffic jam caused by Mr. Quinn’s security checkpoint at the entrance to town, or the one load of bad beef from that discount outfit in Chessup, or the lack of potable water at Barbecue Central, there’s enough blame to go around (BONNIE: I vote for Mr. Quinn -- and NOT just because he objects to my adding these notes!).

But let’s get one thing straight. Not one legitimate finger has been pointed in the direction of yours truly. I have worked my heiney off to keep the festival going, and I’m reasonably certain that if you re-elect me, I can bring it back. I say reasonably certain, because I’m no psychic and I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t see into the future, God knows. But I’ll try.

So if you want beef, Vote Garner! Garner = Beef!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


Hi Folks -

Well, there's been a lot of talk this week about what it means to be an American. Here's my two cents worth: It means we don't hold a grudge. We let someone make a mistake without getting all hot and bothered at him, especially if that someone has served this community tirelessly for the last six years.

As you'll see from this week's campaign video update, which my nephew Danny won't let me see until he puts it on later tonight, it all started with a couple of flag pins. And it escalated into a whole lot of hoo-hah, if you ask me (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor didn't use the word "hoo-hah" but it's been a long week and he's tired).

So let's all try to be good Americans in the weeks to come. Even if you're an outsider from Chessup and you're running against me, we owe each other that much.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Well folks, we've got the video updates fully functional on the website, through the hard work of a lot of folks on the staff, and my nephew Danny. I couldn't have done it without them. And speaking of the website, I've looked at some of the pages, the ones Bonnie has shown to me anyway, and I think it's something the whole town can be proud of. A lot more proud than a few other websites I'd rather not mention (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor is talking about his ex-wife's site, She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Such bitterness. She got the house, but the Mayor retained all the principles).

What I like about the video updates is, they'll give us a chance to get our side of the story out there. And I want to make it clear, I've given Danny full creative control, even though he has less experience than any of my old assistants on "Travelin' Man", and believe me, those numbskulls could barely make a decent cup of coffee. So I've put him together with Tony Beaver, who runs Memories by Beaver, the best wedding and anniversary video company in town. I think the two of them will make a heckuva team (BONNIE'S NOTE: I don't trust either of those two. Danny hasn't been able to hold a job since high school, and Tony... well, Tony's not in danger of winning any loyalty awards, let's just leave it at that).

One last thing -- we officially welcome Amelia Martelle to the team. She showed up unannounced last week, told us she's from a non-profit out-of-town outfit, here to help us manage the Winston Blank new mall problem (BONNIE'S NOTE: What a lovely young woman! So intelligent, and a smart dresser too!) . Good to have her aboard.

The humidity came back this week. Anyone in need of a break, stop by Town Hall, where the A.C. is cranking 24/7. God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Hey, that was one heckuva barbeque we had here over the weekend in the park! And to top it all off, we unveiled our new campaign slogan, VOTE GARNER -- “FOR VERNE... FOR YOU”. There was a lot of discussion within the inner campaign circle about where to place the quote marks, and gosh knows I’m no English major but I do like the three little dots. And of course anyone who knows me knows how I love the American flag, so we worked that in there as well. Kudos to Joe Browning, my young assistant, for coming up with the slogan -- that’s why he gets paid the big bucks (BONNIE’S NOTE: The Mayor is only kidding, Joe is paid the exact salary that the Council approved in the last budget, not one penny more...).

Good suggestions were made by other staffers:

Town Clerk Danforth Quinn, who is also my chief campaign strategist:
I almost chose that one, as it would have meant I could pose for pictures wearing a train conductor’s hat...

My secretary, Bonnie Yoder:
This was nice, but I think it would have been confusing to people, because the flag is red, WHITE, and blue, not “HOT”. (BONNIE’S NOTE: I thought it was appropos of the Mayor’s charisma, but he didn’t let me fully explain it).

And one anonymous suggestion I kind of liked:
(BONNIE’S NOTE: That was my second choice).

So now we’ve got a great slogan, and nothing’s going to stop us, certainly not an outsider from Chessup. Visit the website for lots of exciting merchandise!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Thursday always makes me think of my old show “TRAVELIN’ MAN”. We aired on Thursday nights at 7pm locally for so long that I sometimes find myself trying to turn on a phantom TV set on Thursdays, the way you’d try to scratch a phantom limb if you had one and felt an itch (BONNIE’S NOTE: I asked the Mayor for further clarification on this, but he just ignored me and kept talking). So I know a thing or two about communication. And when my opponent says he wants to bring about CHANGE to the office of the Mayor, I’ve got to speak up.

Change? How is a guy who moved to Chessup after high school and helped build that place into a thriving community going to come back now, and just because his mom owns a house on Spring St., thinks he’s going to run against me for Mayor on a platform of change? Everybody knows I’m the guy who will change things here in Verne. I’ve been trying to change stuff around here for six years, so it’s time to give me a chance to try for another two years. That’s the kind of CHANGE we can all depend on!

By the way, we’re going to have a little fundraiser/barbeque in the park on Sunday, weather permitting. Please let Bonnie know if you can volunteer in some way.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Well, here it is. Tuesday. Sure is pretty here in Verne, like the picture above shows. The picture above isn't of the Verne countryside, but ours is pretty like that. Got in to the office here bright and early, brought in donuts kindly donated by Lyle over at Happy Donuts. Dictating my blog right now to Bonnie, my secretary who's been with me five years or so (BONNIE'S NOTE: Six, actually. The Mayor sometimes has trouble with dates, even when remembering those who have been most loyal to him. I quit my job providing hospice during the Mayor's first campaign, beginning as a volunteer, then getting hired as his secretary when he took office. So that makes six years almost exactly. But why should he remember that? He's so busy trying to do things for Verne, and... Oops, silly me, I've been writing this when I should have been listening to the Mayor. I'll just pick it up with what he's saying now...)

...and if you think I'm going to roll over and play dead for my ex-wife, or the Town Council, or anyone else, you've got another think coming. I intend to fight hard during this campaign, you can count on that. I'm not going to let an outsider from Chessup come in here and take my job, even if he is a successful businessman and has a fake British accent beacuse he spent a couple years in England. No sir, you'll hear a lot from me in the coming weeks, you can take that to the bank! (BONNIE'S NOTE: The Mayor doesn't mean the Verne Bank, which closed down last year during the debacle we'd all like to forget. He's probably referring to the Farmer's Bank of Chessup, where most of us have to go to do our transactions now, though the Mayor is working hard to get an ATM set up at the Stop-N-Shop by the interstate).

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.