NOT FUNNY, MARCINE!

BONNIE SAYS: Why can't some people just leave well enough alone?! The Mayor's ex wife, Marcine St. John, has been circulating the above photo of the mayor around town. Land sakes, let the man be in a coma in peace Marcine!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

A MESSAGE FROM JOE BROWNING

After all the excitement last week, I know a lot of you citizens of Verne are wondering what's happening with the Mayor's Office. If you saw our last Weekly Update, you know that Danforth Quinn is better at evaluating tax forms than he is at evaluating someone's medical condition!

Right after the election, I took a week off to go far away and visit my uncle and his family, help him with a little work on his house, and clear my head. When I got back, I found things pretty much as I left them: I'm the acting Mayor, Bonnie is still running day-to-day operations here at Town Hall, and Mr. Quinn is working on the 2009 budget.

This was not my plan when I asked some of you to write in my name. We have averted Mr. Blank's scheme for a new mall/megastore, but I have other plans which don't necessarily include serving as your Mayor. Right now, the most I can promise is that I'll be here until a suitable replacement can be found, or the Mayor comes out of his coma, whichever comes first.

Until then, please keep checking this blog, and the Mayor's website for more details. As he used to say...

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

A HUMBLE REQUEST

Well folks, you'll go to the polls tomorrow in our Verne tradition of local elections taking place on the weekend before national ones. So this will be my last post before you decide my fate.

As I sit and dictate this to Bonnie, I'm humbled by the job you've allowed me to do these past six years. We've weathered some tough times, right up to this past Tuesday when my ex-wife and her cronies harrassed Dr. Bazelle into admitting I pretended to faint during the Big Bailout Blowout Bash. But what they didn't mention was: It worked! It was simply a strategy to raise the money we needed during our financial crisis. As always, I was willing to sacrifice my own reputation for the people of Verne.

As you go to the polls, I humbly request that you ask yourself: Am I better off now than I was six years ago? I don't mean financially, or emotionally, or physically. I mean, can you look at yourself in the mirror and say, hey, take a look at my Mayor. He makes me feel like I'm doing pretty well. He loves this town and loves being Mayor. And will do anything to keep the job. That makes me feel pretty good (BONNIE'S NOTE: THE MAYOR IS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF NOW -- ALTHOUGH HE IS SAYING WORD-FOR-WORD WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP).

I have a private call scheduled with Winston Blank later this afternoon. I will wish him good luck. The polls are in his favor. But I have you, the good people of Verne on my side, and as you go to the polls tomorrow, I place myself (humbly) in your hands (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF ANYONE HAS ANY EXTRA BOXES YOU'RE NOT USING, WE COULD USE THEM AT TOWN HALL).

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE!

Despite the stress of the campaign, my personal physician, Dr. Elias Bazelle (pictured above), has given me a clean bill of health. Yup, I had my yearly checkup this week, and the good doctor pronounced me "Ready to Serve"! Sure, I have the usual few pounds he wants me to take off, and he would like me to get more exercise. He also would like me to eat more healthy, more fruits and vegetables. And he's got me on a statin for my cholesterol. It's also pretty clear I'll need knee surgery in the not-too-distant future, and I was really sucking wind during that treadmill stress test!

But it's good to have the doctor confirm what I already knew: That I'm in tip-top physical condition, and the good people of Verne can rest easy knowing their Mayor is taking care of himself (BONNIE'S NOTE: IF YOU SEE THE MAYOR AT MILLIE'S ORDERING THE BROASTED CHICKEN, TRY TO STEER HIM TOWARD THE FRUIT SALAD).

Gaod Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

A DEBATE! SORT OF...

Well, we had the debate all planned out nice and simple. Meet in Danforth Quinn's living room, get Chessup Public Access to cover it, talk about a few issues. Then, mid-week, it got all complicated. Winston-Blank-is-too-busy-this. Winston-Blank-needs-to-leave-by-a-certain-time-that. We tried to work it out. Then, on Thursday night, we find out he's not coming at all, but will participate by speaker phone. So Bonnie sets it all up (BONNIE'S NOTE: WE HAD TO CHANGE MR. QUINN'S PHONE JACK, HE WAS STILL USING ROTARY).

But what happens? Chessup Public Access never shows up. Blank never calls us. And apparently they got the word out to the citizens, because none of you showed up either! So once again, big media gets together with big business to deprive you, the voter, of a chance to talk about the issues. Plus, Bonnie had made a mess of Apple Pan Dowdy, which we were going to share with attendees. Your loss!

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

You know, it’s not so bad that my ex-wife runs her own attack website. Or that she constantly releases old video clips meant to embarrass me -- heck, the one she released this past weekend shows a guy filled with energy and exuberance, the kind of guy you’d love to have a beer with (BONNIE’S NOTE: OR, YOU CAN ASSUME FROM THAT VIDEO, FOUR OR FIVE BEERS PLUS HALF-A-BOTTLE OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPES. YOU CAN SEE OUR VIDEO UPDATE ON WWW.VOTEGARNER.COM, BUT MARCINE HAS PLACED THE UNEDITED CLIP ON HER SITE, WWW.GARNERSTINKS.COM. THE NERVE!).

No, it’s that she’s doing it all from behind the gates of Vernehenge, the beautiful estate I built with money from my severance package when I was asked to leave my show, “Travelin’ Man!”. Now I’m not saying I was the perfect husband, but don’t I deserve to live somewhere a little better than a one-room bachelor apartment above the now-defunct Sweets-N-Treats store? I’m not a bitter man, but if Marcine was as smart as I think she is, she would come around and see that, all personal feelings aside, I’m much better for this town than her choice, Winston Blank.

And by the way, if anyone has a hot-plate they could donate, I’d appreciate it -- mine shorted out last week.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

FINANCIAL HOO-HAH!

BONNIE’S NOTE: TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN CALLING, THE MAYOR IS DOING JUST FIND. WE GOT SOME FLUIDS INTO HIM, AND A COUPLE OF MY SNICKERDOODLES, AND HIS BLOOD SUGAR WENT RIGHT BACK UP. THAT MAN JUST GIVES AND GIVES. GO TO WWW.VOTEGARNER.COM TO SEE THIS WEEK’S VIDEO UPDATE.

GOD BLESS VERNE, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO I STINK?

Why won’t Winston Blank debate me? I’ve offered to meet him any time, any place, and he doesn’t respond. Is he AFRAID of me, or just afraid of the truth I’ve been spreading out on the campaign trail? Like the fella says, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t wear the uniform in the movie (BONNIE’S NOTE: YES, THAT WAS THE MAYOR’S EXACT QUOTE, I CHECKED MY NOTES THREE TIMES).

God bless Verne, and God Bless America.

THE PANDER GAME

With Bonnie gone this week (thank you nephew Danny for posting this), I don’t have many women on my side. And I sure could have used one. Have a look at this week’s video update on www.votegarner2008.com to see what I mean.

And yes, the drifter is going to be just fine.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.

HOME SWEET HOME!

Hey, have you ever gone away, looked around, and wondered how you ended up where you are? (BONNIE’S NOTE: Mr. Quinn doesn’t like it when I write these notes, so I’m not going to write any this week. So there!)

Let’s just say I had a few of those moments while I was taking my town-mandated four-week vacation. See, the town can’t afford to carry the Mayor’s salary for a full twelve months, so during August they basically tell Hizzoner Yours Truly to hit the road. And hit the road I did.

Folks, I saw stuff out there that would make you walk bow-legged. But I also talked to a lot of just plain folks. And you know what they told me? They’re tired of the same-old, same-old. And when they would hear I’m in politics, they’d say, “Hey, why don’t you do something about the same old, same old?” So that’s what I intend to do.

Unfortunately, my trusty secretary Bonnie didn’t realize she should take her vacation when I take mine, so she’ll be off next week (BONNIE’S NOTE: Who knew?). I’ll get going on taking care of the same-old, same-old when she gets back.

God Bless Verne, and God Bless America.